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You’ll see San Francisco and all you’ll get is this Lousy Tour

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     CLICK HERE TO READ OUR 5-STAR                                        REVIEWS

Imagine Don Rickles as the skipper of a Disneyland river boat.  Now look at your man.  Now think of Rickles again.  Now your man.  Now Rickles.  Now imagine being entertained and educated by an ill informed San Francisco native as you discover the world famous neighborhoods and landmarks of the city by the bay all from the comfort of your own two feet.

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The Lousy San Francisco walking tour is the illegitimate brain-child of SF Blogger (Meaning he's unemployed) and author of the unfinished yet well received (By his family…most of his family…most of his immediate family…his wife hates him) San Francisco guide book:      “I Left My Heart In San Francisco and All I Got Was This Lousy Rash”.  

SK prides himself on his knowledge of the city and will draw on that expertise as well as his proclivity to lie in order to answer any and all questions you may have during your outing.  Whether a visitor or a local, you’ll find these tours the perfect way to kill some time since the Alcatraz trip is totally filled up already. 

Take in the beautiful vistas atop Telegraph Hill.  Learn about the incredible Art Deco architecture in the Financial district.  Sample the delicious Italian fare in colorful North Beach (“Colorful” being Gaelic. Literally translated “Filthy garlic eaters”).  Watch the day’s catch come in and smell the salt air, and probably something that got run over, at Fisherman’s Wharf.  Smoke opium in China Town.  Get naked in Golden Gate Park.  Protest something at the Civic Center.  Poke that guy with something as he sleeps.  Now Rickles. 

Note:  There is never any profanity on the tour but if you are uncomfortable with decidedly non-PC style humor you might want to try another provider…hockey puck.  


Special attention is paid to each guest on SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Walking Tour — at Union Square

Special attention is paid to each guest on SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Walking Tour — at Union Square

Downtown Leg (1)

Sure There's a bunch of walking tours that you can take from Lotta's Fountain to Maiden Lane to Union Square.  But how many tour guides try to trip you along the way?  SK will, and he's got a pretty good record of acquittal.

When you settle into your recommended Stockholm Syndrome you may just get to see the city Skyline from a rooftop garden; Tour the only Frank Lloyd Wright designed building in San Francisco; Examine, up close and personal, a monumental work by famed artist Ruth Asawa;  Pass through the gates of Chinatown on your way to Old St. Mary's park and church; Peer up at the Goddesses of Industry and several other historic buildings; and if you're good, maybe have a bite and a pint at the Irish Bank.

 

Chinatown Leg (2)

On Leg 2 you'll not only pass under the Chinatown Gate but you'll also pass by many other tour guides so you'll at least get to hear a few bits of quality information before SK starts in with his interpretation of history. (He sure knows a lot about 19th century brothels)

Kids are Welcome on SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Walking Tour. Unless they're precocious.  We don't need any precociousness around here. - at Waverly Place in Chinatown.

Kids are Welcome on SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Walking Tour. Unless they're precocious.  We don't need any precociousness around here. - at Waverly Place in Chinatown.

You'll see the historic Donaldina Cameron House (Ask about the brothel connection); Walk down Waverly Place - The Street of Painted Balconies - where you can get a feel for the real Chinatown both in its present state and through history (When there were brothels).  Included is a chance to enter the oldest Chinese Temple in the US; You'll also get to sample exotic teas and not so exotic fortune cookies from the original Golden Gate Fortune Cookie Factory.

Finally, after a brief stop at the Old Telephone Exchange You'll learn the earliest history of San Francisco  and its brothels at Portsmouth Square. There's simply too much to see and do in Chinatown so let's just give up. 


Yerba Buena Leg (3)

Small tours are great because SK can really concentrate on excessive, inappropriate touching. - At the Hippodrome, Jackson Square.

Small tours are great because SK can really concentrate on excessive, inappropriate touching. - At the Hippodrome, Jackson Square.

Yerba Buena (Good Herb) was the aptly prophetic name for the original village that became San Francisco.  On this 3rd leg of the tour we start with that history in Portsmouth Square.

From there we travel through the Gold Rush with sites like Empire Park, and the Wells Fargo History Museum, and a graveyard of sunken ships.

There's also remnants of the Barbary Coast like the Old Ship Saloon and Jackson Square.

The 1906 Earthquake and fire left only a few historic buildings like those at Hotaling Place and the oldest still-operating restaurant West of the Mississippi

There's even sites for recent history like the Trans America Pyramid and Sidney G. Walton Park.  You know what?  That's probably too much for one afternoon.  Maybe you should ride the ducks.  That way you won't get overwhelmed.  


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What are you insane?  Before taking this tour, maybe you should try the "Take-your-life-into-your-own-hands Tour"; or the "Guess what you just stepped in tour".  

Once those prerequisites are fulfilled SK will escort you through the streets of San Francisco without the relative security of daylight.  This tour is semi-custom and may include highlights from all three Lousy Tour legs or might be a no-bars-barred journey through the nightlife of North Beach depending on your inclination.  Please fill out the Personalized Tour form or contact SK directly for details:  415-745-0315.

 

 

 

 

 

At this site in 1906 people were cold too. - Lotta's Fountain